Q: How many musicians does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand
around and say, "I can do that!"
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but
has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that
it's electrified.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder,
and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing
about how good the old one was.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated
as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
Where are we?
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in
Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music,
Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask
Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
What's that sound?
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She
comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading
the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a
low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing
against a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what the
scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven.
He's decomposing."
Arriving in Heaven
Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St.
Peter.
St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
Paul: My name is Paul.
St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died,
how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.
St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you
doing to earn that kind of money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.
St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St.
Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your
name?
Roger: My name is Roger.
St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died,
how much were you earning?
Roger: 60K.
St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me,
Roger:, what did you do for a living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St.
Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your
name?
John: My name is John.
St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much
were you earning when you died?
John: About $23,000.
St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell
me, what instrument did you play?
More Musician Jokes
A young child says to his mother,
"Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey,
you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a
trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch
approximator.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read
music at the same time.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
|A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out
of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and
force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a
light bulb?A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and
say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
A.Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high
school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong
classroom.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some
obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to
bluff until you find it again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they
are on the wrong pitch.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the
other Tenors noticed?
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom
of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a
plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.
Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a
Viola?
A: Vibrato
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to
come in.
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the
road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way
to a gig.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with
musicians?A: A vocalist.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer
running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead
Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play
in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the
world revolves around them.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers
mouth.
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets
kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn
cleaner?A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the Saxaphone lands in the MIDDLE of the
dumpster.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
