Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions

  • 12 Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
  • A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
  • Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
  • Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
  • Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
  • Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
  • Bass -- The things you run around in softball
  • Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
  • Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
  • Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
  • Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
  • Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
  • Clarinet -- Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
  • Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
  • Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
  • Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
  • Cut Time -- Parole
  • Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
  • Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
  • First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
  • French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
  • Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
  • Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
  • Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
  • Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
  • Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
  • Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
  • Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
  • Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
  • Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
  • Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
  • Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
  • Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
  • Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
  • Ritard -- There's one in every family
  • Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
  • Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
  • Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
  • Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
  • Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
  • Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
  • Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
  • Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

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