HOW TO SING THE BLUES

Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle PlunkyThaddeus Blue

Many thanks to Alex Mogieleff and Stephan Grossman's Woodshed Forum for this classic

  • Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
  • "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:
    • I got a good woman-- "with the meanest dog in town".
  • Blues are simple.  After you have the first line right, repeat it.  Then find something that rhymes.  Sort of:
    • Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.   He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
  • The blues are not about limitless choice.
  • Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs.  Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.  Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to die.
  • Teenagers can't sing the blues.  Adults sing the blues.  Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
  • You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.  Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 
  • The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    • violet
    • beige
    • mauvre
  • You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
  • Good places for the Blues:
    • the highway
    • the jailhouse
    • the empty bed

      Bad places:

    • Ashrams
    • Gallery openings
    • weekend in the Hamptons
  • No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
  • Do you have the right to sing the blues?

    Yes, if:

    • your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
    • you're blind
    • you shot a man in Memphis.
    • you can't be satisfied.

    No, if:

    • you were once blind but now can see.
    • you're deaf
    • you have a trust fund.
  • Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
  • If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.  

    Other blues beverages are:

    • wine
    • Irish whiskey
    • muddy water

    Blues beverages are NOT:

    • Any mixed drink
    • Any wine kosher for Passover
    • Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
  • If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.  So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.  It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.
  • Some Blues names for Women
    • Sadie
    • Big Mama
    • Bessie
  • Some Blues Names for Men
    • Joe
    • Willie
    • Little Willie
    • Lightning
  • Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    • Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
      • Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
      • First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
      • Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
      • Mix and Match